propelless and empty

yesterday:
I am tired and not at all hungry or thirstily. I was not yesterday all day long thirsty. Only in the evening as it when eating these *klick* made, there have I some drunk thereby it for me thereafter more easily fell it again to loose-will.I am rather unpowered. I can really force myself nothing. Everything is me equal to too much. This evening we (teammates) meet us to the Tapas days in our favourite restaurant and participate stop everything there. Somehow already also beautifully, but on the other side have I no desire. I now at one time think, I must again adjust itself because it otherwise do not go myself and then there perhaps also people are thereby which I gladly do not have. Thus such with which I genuinly a problem has. I am otherwise rather a peaceful person and strive a good climate around me to create. Goes sometimes at my expense however now. And there are few persons those the elbow spanned. One of it began surprisingly in my company in the Jänner. Thereupon I had a Nervenzusammenbruch. Meanwhile have I it in the grasp however it falls me heavily with the person to deal.Yesterday and the day before yesterday have I drauf been pleased today away to go oneself, hardly that the day is there makes it me headaches. Then it appears me as load with the people to talk. Yesterday I was around half 7 in bed and today to half 8 slept.
Will already strike.

1995

I found that recently in my diary. That is already more than 10 years ago, and at that time I was already so far. That was it, the isolation. No friends, nobody which with me to do wanted to have, and my family was also not better. Well, 10 years are by and I can from the things separate. Only today still occur exactly these situations, hidden in other little things. Particularly hard it meets me however that it goes with friends again and again directly. Again and again….
Spring 1995
Letter from me… I does not know whom

Why do we actually eat? In order to nourish us, clearly. I do not want to eat no more, but I cannot do it. I want again 50 kg. But I have 54. Ever someone said spontaneously to me: “You are beautifully slim” or “mad figure have you.” No one does not say such a thing. Actually I am very sad over it. Why does one say however to mummy? Mummy pressurizes me. If I am deprimiert, I must eat. If I want to have something sweet, then ask I. Utterances like e.g.: “Must you now have that? I ate nothing since noon! ”, which can save it. But it does not notice. None notices something. Why does Mach I the trouble and torment itself, if somewhat is not noticeable to a sow? There is also hardly a person, who understands me. I want to be liked, that am the wood path. I must learn again hold out, because I do not think myself capable of. Oh I drown directly in self compassion.

But you do not know like it are, if one hangs over the Kloschüssel and itself before-said: “If you it pull feel good you through now for it, because you know you are closer a piece to the dream figure.” But nothing more is useful. Are hunger cures better? I feel so bad. Dearest I would be ill.
1. One can decrease so better
2. would be dear all to me.
Actually I am already a blöde cow, but there is nobody, which has not also such phases.

I have fear. You see also these thousand articles in the newspaper (Slim nearly, Body fit, Slender you). I have fear to be accepted not in such a way as I are. So long I with me do not clear-come, how are then the others? I would have gladly a part of me, on which I can be proud. To play I did not know cello clearly. And must admit it to it not very much constructing, if all make themselves merry over your picture. Yes, such a thing I take seriously. What can I do thus? I cannot listen well, but I am always a nerve saw. If I read later, then I think: “Which is for shit.” But in the reason it is correct nevertheless. Nobody can say: “Thanks you has me helped.” because no sow has a very high opinion of me. Why do I always give all something, if I not even to my birthday which get? What am I? A changing gift chest. I hardly believe that somebody appreciates. I cannot stop however thereby. I do not want to acquire the friendship. I hope, I make for others a joy thereby. Perhaps but only I see in such a way. No, exactly that is a part at me which I hates. I deceive myself. I cannot admit that the other sometimes mad egoists are. Which Mach I the trouble a “letter” to be written over my problems, if I play down it anyway in such a way. Sometimes me all kotzen on. If one sees only one foot stripper in me, then they are to regard their own faces exactly, because they are the dirt at me stick and I are not nervt the ass that them. It turned around. Who does not like me, its dirty finger of me is to leave. Such people do not run I then also after. I am nevertheless no dog.

I can still remember that I showed the letter of my aunt. I could give it otherwise to nobody and I howled like a lock dog. Perhaps hätt I more on me to work are since eit at that time. Become simply a little stronger. Self compassion is somewhat terrible…. verabscheungswürdiges. Above all if one considers like well it us actually goes…

hilfeeee….

so, new highest level… 400 pieces at one blow and I did not have to really often hurt times on the toilet… none, nothing. that is sea-honours bad indication. for the moment kotze I 3 time on the day the soul from the body… whereby I actually times so often does not eat itself. and in the office I also began. do not eat keeps real anyway any longer.
if it weiterght in such a way, then that is genuine my fall.

exactly one year ago I am gone to my therapy and now am same far I as at that time. actually still more badly than at that time. my teammates notice it also…

have recently a book over chakren bought. that is not so uninteresting actually at all. what does one actually believe if one in nothing more believes? I seek something in which I to believe can. loves? friendship? I do not believe any longer really in it.

hey, but which target. today one believes in money. that is the true.
could I mean finite calculations to pay. since I changed the bank half of my standing orders was not taken over and I get number-seem everything of my insurance in the house. which is rather annoying, above all because I do not come on the bank. even of visas I a calculation got. with the change of the map probably somewhere still another amount of 11 euro was open. they have to pay me offered the amount in partial amounts.

I do not want to worry about the all no more.

I feel so alone. unfortunate that the man whom I know learned, no longer announced itself… however if one considers which for a terrible sight and heap I be must… wär eh directly again versprungen.

…. well, and one remains in such a way again times alone.

Define: Am I well.

When is one well? I mean, how one defines that? Are there some measuring criteria there? Say so by heart out reliably… thus I würd. Is one well if one, is healthy, run can, a dwelling and meal has, a work, sufficient money. Okay, criteria all fulfills.
But how it can be then that one feels nevertheless not good or one simply only badly is? That cannot be nevertheless? That is incomprehensible. Differently seen, it would have to be just as simple again in the positive back to fall than be here in the negative range.

One makes often believes I the error to hide weaknesses before others. A good friend - formerly my best friend - has me helped as I really sad was. That is, I for a long time ago konnt itself with it out-cries and that so well did. In the moment have I it my large weakness show and they have me understand. But when she badly was not have it it me permitted. I believe, many people can their weaknesses well hide because her nobody so to trust that her these pages heart-own wanted. I the error made. Based on the criteria I would have to be always well. That have I also said… even at the places at those weakness to show no dishonor is and one does not condemn. On the contrary where one tries actually white to hide you it convulsively/desperately. And I could not do it. I have yourself did not admit which is really the matter.

Thus, how you define whether it you well go?

The Kastanienbaum is my favourite tree. I find its unloading enormous sheets so beautiful. Its fruits… wrapped into this stachelige covering and inside so beautifully gemasert and brown simply really beautifully. The trunk is strong and the tree becomes mostly giant large. It has somewhat majestic and strong.

A man whom I last year to know to learn was allowed has a so beautiful design of Kastanienbaumblättern and the Kastanien made. I can still remember which I on it said. For me it was real a shock that it on the next day disappeared - and on the day after the next was dead found. I ask yourself, what had really meant the design. Afterwards I imagine, it the resolution an end to set for a long time calm had myself, but am somehow I equivalent again and again near. I it well did not know, but one feels a sympathy, a certain connection to some humans simply. One can talk with them differently, her radiates something. It is simply difficult to describe. If I make pictures of the trees SAM LCL and, then I must think also always him.

I have a good feeling at the today's day.
Yesterday me over bad was and I imagined, I there all day long Mach me which. The fact that I go again into the hospital is certain. When, stands also firmly because it from the work is not in former times possible. October. Up to then has I unite things me over water to hold. I am importantly better than in the last year. The tablet dose has itself ver4facht since I the hospital left, but one nevertheless sees that that works things nevertheless somehow. In the head it feels now somewhat more easily. None sooo strong changes in mood more and at all… it becomes already much better all. But stop evenly also only at the surface.

Hey, sun seems, it is… to me goes warmly it well: O)