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failed

I failed. I lead mean flat still, but I do not write to no more on which I everything eat exactly and when. I have it tried, honestly… however a side effect of the tablets is now probable that I are so nervous that I continuously which too futtern need. I do not have thereby an uncanny grind however I can thereby stop. the tablets became simply too expensive now. I cannot any longer more of it take because I it me carry out cannot. what am I to do?
naturally do not stop… however it goes for the moment simply. I notice simply that I a peak work at which I simply an absolute collapse has.
through my antidepressives am I believe in such a way I at least well, but I am non stop to to work and push me stop so quite up. but evenly eat… that is like that besch*
my second face does not get along simply with the real I. that is so a put on mask all this can and makes and always with the work is and outward simply totally okay works. and the other side turns internally simply through…
well, so far to the today's report.

alarm

jo, I lead my diary still. quite successfully, so seen. but more to drink I would have probably because I wake up in the morning and completely drained and even if I then equal which drink lasts was entitled nearly to noon… however I remember on also simply too little and drink so seen nearly nothing.

with us flood is alarm. makes itself quite… well, it looks wild. today by 4 bypasses somehow nevertheless still to the work came, but part my colleagues had no chance also only in sew the company to come.
the river is in the city generally speaking brook bed… which normally into 6 meters as rivlet goes by, is now as rapid river directly under z. Part over the bridges on the way. an insanity is real. I like my brother home does not come white at all. the train service is now surely still 2 meets lamely put, and it sits in Innsbruck.

cold is it also and laborious. but it is anyway everything laborious and fatiguing. everything does not create one directly and I knows also. dearest wär for me a bed and a warm cover and no bell and no clock in sew. sleep. do not rise marvelously… and laaaange any longer. murmeltier one would have to be. the whole summer and autumn only eat overslept and the whole winter. and in spring again beautifully slim wake up.
now I must stop from to sleep to write because otherwise the stop I it genuinly never out.

tataaa

I it geschaaaafft. I have my booklet (esstagebuch) again begun to actually lead and my list and at all everything. hangs thereby perhaps together that I my diary of the last summer from the hiding place recently gekramt and everything again read. I cannot say now that it developed me particularly, because I had a something - öh - turbulent summer (at least partly). but I imagined, one somehow must begin somewhere. I hope I stop it this times longer through than only one week.
for the moment am I however only in a good mood because…. well, why probably? because my weight sank again. owing to drastic measures. but it feels so well. my mood is fantastisch. I look forward to the work and at all on everything. are a small little tired, but to it I am already used. I do not believe I white never like it is at all to be been so tired: O)
now, whether now this entry is positive or negative, can one believe I to see different. I seh it 90/10 to favour of the positive side.
I have with a well-known telephones meant, I rely possibly too much on it that in the autumn (if I again into a hospital go) everything automatically regulates itself. but is not correct. I white that I made last year some errors and I know also like the hare run. I already precautions took. I become no night in my new dwelling stay overnight so long the tablets still in the use are. no, I do not want that. and that should be for me a stimulus. a part reason failed why I was also because of it that I means plans in the last autumn not convert could not and then sometime did not give + some other events up it necessarily to have made easier. but as already times said, rausreden and away-pushed one knows the causes always.
esstagebuch lead… that want I as I originally began this blog to write. and now it is again times so far. I do not lead it on-line - to which also: O) however nevertheless. can over progressed report.

too few?

I do not believe I are simply too stupid and understand it. I relying me on something, which cannot occur if I not thereby begins. I would like to be able to be fallen into somewhat it do not give in such a way. I believe I can my decisions also marvelously postpone. everything on one time in the future put, then it falls me more easily my play to pull through and I must not on others concentrate. It is to be talked a mad possibility me from everything raus. I am completely in me lost and everything am so correct in my opinion. the further the time of the decision is protracted so much the better. but do not work so correctly do I believe I. no, I am really in me lost and am concentrated only on me. so correctly of me up-eaten.

up to now I, it thought everything would be so far correct. hey, everything is bad? no, I do not take it believe I already also seriously however it would be lied if I would say the weight play roll. the less so much the better because I won then. then it is not easy to say the weight became rolls plays. I lie thus me three times and four times more. naturally white I already that it rolls one plays however always then if I it halfway created then can do I it also again class abstreiten.

how am I of it ever loose-come if I the actual problem still away from me push? my dwelling should not take and of break a stimulus for me its my tablets to no more to come loosely. then everything becomes differently. then become I that make, then I leave on the etc. however am correct myself also really??
well well, I relying me also a little on the autumn. there everything will be already regulated in such a way. but which if I actually continue to push all outside and it changes for also nothing afterwards? then probably the case is still deeper. I custom which, to which I can adhere. what happens thereafter? so further to make I cannot eternally. I really believed I are on a good away, but in addition must come more from me. only ask yourself I also, what I can give. I believe I are so seized that I not even something from that to give can which I to sacrifice in such a way or in such a way would have thereby it become better can. I gekrallt myself into everything inside. how can I release? how can I release everything that??

snails have it practically. they carry a house with itself around into it back to pull itself can. I believe I carry exactly the same something around. as soon as it becomes difficult, I can do from bolt myself pull, withdraw me into my house and talk myself on somewhat outside in the future lie. everything beautiful-talk, no work of art. at least for me not. optimist? no, nincompoops.
but it is actually the larger lies than on which I otherwise outside talks itself. finally can also the schneckenhaus zertreten to become, and then is useful that withdraw also nothing.

already practically such a thing.

Lucky Macher

Okay,… time passed and I has again times new plans. On the one hand, I will try my weight few to reduce. Since I just as little control the gentle method as a bulldozer or an elephant in the porcelain shop, I make it like always. All or nothing. At least the first attempt.

A majority of my bad mood probably weighs therefore that I simply only with my result on the balance is dissatisfied. Tja, completely surely even. I have only eaten lately. I plug everything into me in and am only bad. I tröste myself at present again times with the meal.

I do not have the balance now no more because dad it wanted before we into the Wellness weekend drove and now it has it naturally in the room. Eh clearly. But I want to again have it. I custom it… and her belongs finally to me. I hate that, if one assumes that so naturally in our house that each all along-use can. I take off eh soon. SOON.

Property my antidepressives set off had (partially also from cost reasons, there my insurance for the moment no cent pays). Tja and for 5 days nehm I it again. One while lasts to the levels again above is, but the first effect already feel I. CLEARLY. First of all I am so nervous that I no moment sit quietly can (that was already with first time with the tablets falls in such a way, perhaps it me only now more strongly on). That is indeed a DISASTER. Who in my proximity is does not bear it not. They flee all. But have I the feeling never as much to work as now… or say we to help never as much as now. I become now also again the medicines change. Thus at least a part of it.

Which me is also noticeable (however that was already when setting off like that)… that I - if I the antidepressives do not take - is substantially more sensitive also for weather reversal and general things. Come me so rather abgepanzert forwards. Is nevertheless really amusing, or?

I white not whether I it further to take is or not. I become it however believe I nevertheless do because the thing is finally also those that I - if I am better gelaunt - eat also less as if I permanently in a bad mood am. It is amazing, how quickly this things work. Perhaps does one have to suspend occasionally thereby it again better functioned?

Tuesday I came home and from half 7 o'clock slept in the evening. Continuous. But I am for Monday always at 7 o'clock in the office. I hear the bell and it fall me more easily to rise. The actual for my conditions - a miracle. Sleeps is still a little a problem. To one day awake to 2 o'clock in the early, at the other one for it around 7 already half dead.

Perhaps change the dosage?
Oh which oscillates itself. It has with the latter times also. Before I set the tablets off, since have I also noticed that it did not go WITH the quantity any longer well.

Thus, I beend then times again.

on and off

… jessas. Already again a half week over. Not that it would not make me happy.

It seems to me strongly that the summer on vacation is. I sit here in half winter things and freeze and at all can I times again in addition do not aufraffen myself to something. I am of each little thing gene FFS. From coworkers actually ask only one question too much, from everything. It nervt me everything.

I may talk particularly with nobody more. I have the feeling me entgleitet everything. Contact to the friends anyway. My friends cannot begin anything with me. I call it to if I actually the feeling would also not have needed to lean simply only someone to. That does not use anything, because they do not understand me and actually also it does not want to hear it (does not want also that me someone only always the ears full-sung). Times apart from the fact, it is for it actually only one load. Legend I so, I do not only know also completely reliably.
And then remain rather calm I and say to nobody somewhat, I run the risk as Heulsuse in the area around to run.

I do not seem myself a little like a soulless monster feelings to show can. I seat there and my face has always the same expression. To sleep I cannot also more correctly. If one is independently addressed by 4 persons whether one is übernächtig or so approximately: You look also out, as if you went through the night…
… and although I have actually the feeling it am like always… then am correct also which nothing.

Thus keep-drawn or otherwise which am I also not degrees, but I feel stop a little so.

Have evenly over Internet a small Shopping route made around me a little aufzuheitern. That does not use only unfortunately particularly much for the moment. That is, it is probably more interesting the goods somehow only times in the hand to have before I about it be pleased can.

Mostly say I that my tendency does not even depend on the weather… however in the case believes I that more really because I introduce itself cannot which the sun in it to change is.
Oh, and the tax office expensive answer I also got. An additional payment… which stink sour me made because my tax counsel me actually a credit note calculated. There rise I times a round to the barricades. With the calculations in my opinion eh half is not correct to accuse of (without directly someone). But I think nevertheless that these numbers are small little thumb * pi because otherwise would have nevertheless like that something like a comprehensibleness thereby to be.

However. Is actually wurscht for the moment also me. Everything which I still can is me excite. Over traffic, colleagues those constantly jammern how much it to do have however their target work time not times to keep, which whole small stories those run.

Put down and fall asleep and any longer do not rise. A bear would have one to be… with cold weather wär nearly once again the winter sleep announced….

… well, enclosed still another photo of the rainbow like it a half grants the day before yesterday in the sky to see long was. if one drauf clicks becomes the picture bissi more largely. that was really a play because it so wonderful and intensive colors had. that in such a way I for a long time any longer did not experience. so seen that is actually always a good indication. a rainbow.

“blue Monday”

my car is today in the workshop and I after a date with the insurance now mine usual place on that couch took. it is to be done simply to hot something.

I have yourself so to that to nothing-do accustomed that I today no bad certain had because I again one day freely has. normally think I then always… it wär stop nevertheless better I go yourself to the work. but I hate also these dämlichen sentences: “what?? you have already again freely? say times like much vacation have you actually?”
since to history in the winter races I always almost out if I hear. I would shout at then dearest the person and would say it: “concerns you which? I have the vacation, I nehm the vacation.”
alone already ask points on it how: “are again times so putrid. that can carry out for you. others have not as much rate of sick persons as you and saving itself through it the vacation up.” ,… and times apart from the fact. “so long rate of sick persons had and nevertheless nothing helped. actually is pure luxury.”

is like that?

I so gladly away. I so gladly freely. me an uncanny homesickness pulls to another place and hangs the latter already meets like a veil over everything which I does. it is like one covers all this suffocated and heavily on everything lies. it does not make everything a little grey and somehow is it nevertheless.

would I have to remove or see perhaps only the eyeglasses clear? why doesn't it fall others so easily a same situation and everything completely differently to assume to pull somewhat positive from it and I seh that simply? it is like this 3d of pictures which one anstarren can and somewhat completely different one in it recognizes at one time.
and which I, understand mostly also nobody note here correctly. I white not which I to make is. I white not with whom I to talk is, where I am to go.

thank God is today sowas like my officially authorized blue Monday. there I do not have to think more drüber. I go simply sleeping….

struck down

weight: 66.1 kg (in the morning)

ate I enormous amounts yesterday. I do not know also, an overdose tablets I also got and first time that I remember can, have I the possibility ausgeschalgen to vienna to drive. that is completely atypical for me.
but on the other side I feel not well. only within my curtain (mosquito protective net of ikea) eingemummt in my summer-covers and if it must be which to read.
I am so shy become that I shopping even reluctantly go. I had me today aufraffen in great haste still into a pharmacy to drive before the weekend come. I believe without the tablets in the house, make I no more day. dearest I would lie down and more would never rise. it is so empty.
however I could cry. that is really first time. were only few water as a well-known called and with me talked, but I was to be said briefly before it it: I am so alone. I am so lonely.
nobody can see it because one in a so full world with so many possibilities lives nevertheless. but everything which I wants is again home to come. home, where I can be and home where I knows I am safe. that is not this house, not even this Land of the Federal Republic. there is not the people those is here.

I feel bad and only which me to it help that I feel better is my searches. it is simply reassuring. I can sleep at night calmly and it give me a certain regularity.

actually I wanted to write as I here improve thereby document I here straight again times a substantial descended. it is Saturday noon and I now sleeping will go. the door to my room is course-closed thereby nobody on the idea to come can with me to talk want.

I hate it. everything around me to be strong but at most me because I am too weak.

beautiful day

I am gladly that I in this week one night elsewhere was. we had a discussion with the team in Germany and in the evening before it still one workshop. thus we had a hotel room taken for these one night.
that was completely interesting, because it reminded me of February. there we were long one week for a team stabilization thing except house. I am simply soooo well there been to it. this week except house, with other people encouraged me terribly.
and it seems to me, as if would come always exactly to the correct time. perfectly getimt if one so wants. in February I - if we one week would not have away been at that time - would be to be gone probably so far been again into a hospital. rather surely even and it would be me also nearly already all the same been if it in the country would have been here (which I tried to otherwise always avoid).
in the week me became however so much clear and I participate yourself somehow so probably felt a team to be. that has me motivated in such a way and so developed that I of the feeling still for a very long time lived.
now was it again like that. not completely so badly, but stop also these low phases. now imagine I that I super am. I have actually a mad job and really fantastische people around me. that pleases me much. and it makes happy me also, if I can contribute white I one part to give these motiviation which I have also to my team further. that I make a meaningful contribution in the team at all. unfortunate is stop that we meet so rarely as an entire team.

now, am I in any case well. tendency-moderately. my work developed me thus quite and feels I good.

health - now, am I also well. I believe it oscillate myself. should I worry myself to make because of to hurt which I yesterday had? I believe slowly however reliably become the problem a small little more largely. yesterday in the night I had quite strong to hurt on the top right in the belly. correctly stinging and I did not know no more which I to make should. above all each contact did to pain on my belly terribly. I a tablet took and a hot-water bottle on the belly put and somehow has warms well done and the tablet the effect shown and I fell asleep. today is it away. but I did not have that ever… and that am a little amusing. fear made for me, but on the other side… today is it away. therefore I am content.

and I estimate times, if it had been really worse, then would be I surely not again to rest come, or?

my positive tendency contributes to the fact that I began mine esstagebuch again to lead and me to all my good resolutions which I learned times remind. the structure evenly…: O)

I become that now pull through.
are degree gladly that I again which beautiful, positive write can. but mine was actually meant blog.

as then, I wish you everything a beautiful Sunday!

propelless and empty

yesterday:
I am tired and not at all hungry or thirstily. I was not yesterday all day long thirsty. Only in the evening as it when eating these *klick* made, there have I some drunk thereby it for me thereafter more easily fell it again to loose-will.I am rather unpowered. I can really force myself nothing. Everything is me equal to too much. This evening we (teammates) meet us to the Tapas days in our favourite restaurant and participate stop everything there. Somehow already also beautifully, but on the other side have I no desire. I now at one time think, I must again adjust itself because it otherwise do not go myself and then there perhaps also people are thereby which I gladly do not have. Thus such with which I genuinly a problem has. I am otherwise rather a peaceful person and strive a good climate around me to create. Goes sometimes at my expense however now. And there are few persons those the elbow spanned. One of it began surprisingly in my company in the Jänner. Thereupon I had a Nervenzusammenbruch. Meanwhile have I it in the grasp however it falls me heavily with the person to deal.Yesterday and the day before yesterday have I drauf been pleased today away to go oneself, hardly that the day is there makes it me headaches. Then it appears me as load with the people to talk. Yesterday I was around half 7 in bed and today to half 8 slept.
Will already strike.

1995

I found that recently in my diary. That is already more than 10 years ago, and at that time I was already so far. That was it, the isolation. No friends, nobody which with me to do wanted to have, and my family was also not better. Well, 10 years are by and I can from the things separate. Only today still occur exactly these situations, hidden in other little things. Particularly hard it meets me however that it goes with friends again and again directly. Again and again….
Spring 1995
Letter from me… I does not know whom

Why do we actually eat? In order to nourish us, clearly. I do not want to eat no more, but I cannot do it. I want again 50 kg. But I have 54. Ever someone said spontaneously to me: “You are beautifully slim” or “mad figure have you.” No one does not say such a thing. Actually I am very sad over it. Why does one say however to mummy? Mummy pressurizes me. If I am deprimiert, I must eat. If I want to have something sweet, then ask I. Utterances like e.g.: “Must you now have that? I ate nothing since noon! ”, which can save it. But it does not notice. None notices something. Why does Mach I the trouble and torment itself, if somewhat is not noticeable to a sow? There is also hardly a person, who understands me. I want to be liked, that am the wood path. I must learn again hold out, because I do not think myself capable of. Oh I drown directly in self compassion.

But you do not know like it are, if one hangs over the Kloschüssel and itself before-said: “If you it pull feel good you through now for it, because you know you are closer a piece to the dream figure.” But nothing more is useful. Are hunger cures better? I feel so bad. Dearest I would be ill.
1. One can decrease so better
2. would be dear all to me.
Actually I am already a blöde cow, but there is nobody, which has not also such phases.

I have fear. You see also these thousand articles in the newspaper (Slim nearly, Body fit, Slender you). I have fear to be accepted not in such a way as I are. So long I with me do not clear-come, how are then the others? I would have gladly a part of me, on which I can be proud. To play I did not know cello clearly. And must admit it to it not very much constructing, if all make themselves merry over your picture. Yes, such a thing I take seriously. What can I do thus? I cannot listen well, but I am always a nerve saw. If I read later, then I think: “Which is for shit.” But in the reason it is correct nevertheless. Nobody can say: “Thanks you has me helped.” because no sow has a very high opinion of me. Why do I always give all something, if I not even to my birthday which get? What am I? A changing gift chest. I hardly believe that somebody appreciates. I cannot stop however thereby. I do not want to acquire the friendship. I hope, I make for others a joy thereby. Perhaps but only I see in such a way. No, exactly that is a part at me which I hates. I deceive myself. I cannot admit that the other sometimes mad egoists are. Which Mach I the trouble a “letter” to be written over my problems, if I play down it anyway in such a way. Sometimes me all kotzen on. If one sees only one foot stripper in me, then they are to regard their own faces exactly, because they are the dirt at me stick and I are not nervt the ass that them. It turned around. Who does not like me, its dirty finger of me is to leave. Such people do not run I then also after. I am nevertheless no dog.

I can still remember that I showed the letter of my aunt. I could give it otherwise to nobody and I howled like a lock dog. Perhaps hätt I more on me to work are since eit at that time. Become simply a little stronger. Self compassion is somewhat terrible…. verabscheungswürdiges. Above all if one considers like well it us actually goes…

hilfeeee….

so, new highest level… 400 pieces at one blow and I did not have to really often hurt times on the toilet… none, nothing. that is sea-honours bad indication. for the moment kotze I 3 time on the day the soul from the body… whereby I actually times so often does not eat itself. and in the office I also began. do not eat keeps real anyway any longer.
if it weiterght in such a way, then that is genuine my fall.

exactly one year ago I am gone to my therapy and now am same far I as at that time. actually still more badly than at that time. my teammates notice it also…

have recently a book over chakren bought. that is not so uninteresting actually at all. what does one actually believe if one in nothing more believes? I seek something in which I to believe can. loves? friendship? I do not believe any longer really in it.

hey, but which target. today one believes in money. that is the true.
could I mean finite calculations to pay. since I changed the bank half of my standing orders was not taken over and I get number-seem everything of my insurance in the house. which is rather annoying, above all because I do not come on the bank. even of visas I a calculation got. with the change of the map probably somewhere still another amount of 11 euro was open. they have to pay me offered the amount in partial amounts.

I do not want to worry about the all no more.

I feel so alone. unfortunate that the man whom I know learned, no longer announced itself… however if one considers which for a terrible sight and heap I be must… wär eh directly again versprungen.

…. well, and one remains in such a way again times alone.

Define: Am I well.

When is one well? I mean, how one defines that? Are there some measuring criteria there? Say so by heart out reliably… thus I würd. Is one well if one, is healthy, run can, a dwelling and meal has, a work, sufficient money. Okay, criteria all fulfills.
But how it can be then that one feels nevertheless not good or one simply only badly is? That cannot be nevertheless? That is incomprehensible. Differently seen, it would have to be just as simple again in the positive back to fall than be here in the negative range.

One makes often believes I the error to hide weaknesses before others. A good friend - formerly my best friend - has me helped as I really sad was. That is, I for a long time ago konnt itself with it out-cries and that so well did. In the moment have I it my large weakness show and they have me understand. But when she badly was not have it it me permitted. I believe, many people can their weaknesses well hide because her nobody so to trust that her these pages heart-own wanted. I the error made. Based on the criteria I would have to be always well. That have I also said… even at the places at those weakness to show no dishonor is and one does not condemn. On the contrary where one tries actually white to hide you it convulsively/desperately. And I could not do it. I have yourself did not admit which is really the matter.

Thus, how you define whether it you well go?

The Kastanienbaum is my favourite tree. I find its unloading enormous sheets so beautiful. Its fruits… wrapped into this stachelige covering and inside so beautifully gemasert and brown simply really beautifully. The trunk is strong and the tree becomes mostly giant large. It has somewhat majestic and strong.

A man whom I last year to know to learn was allowed has a so beautiful design of Kastanienbaumblättern and the Kastanien made. I can still remember which I on it said. For me it was real a shock that it on the next day disappeared - and on the day after the next was dead found. I ask yourself, what had really meant the design. Afterwards I imagine, it the resolution an end to set for a long time calm had myself, but am somehow I equivalent again and again near. I it well did not know, but one feels a sympathy, a certain connection to some humans simply. One can talk with them differently, her radiates something. It is simply difficult to describe. If I make pictures of the trees SAM LCL and, then I must think also always him.

I have a good feeling at the today's day.
Yesterday me over bad was and I imagined, I there all day long Mach me which. The fact that I go again into the hospital is certain. When, stands also firmly because it from the work is not in former times possible. October. Up to then has I unite things me over water to hold. I am importantly better than in the last year. The tablet dose has itself ver4facht since I the hospital left, but one nevertheless sees that that works things nevertheless somehow. In the head it feels now somewhat more easily. None sooo strong changes in mood more and at all… it becomes already much better all. But stop evenly also only at the surface.

Hey, sun seems, it is… to me goes warmly it well: O)

alone

Do you see me?
No, you cannot do that. Nobody can see me. Nobody. Nobody white which and who I am real, because nobody creates it which I to crack. I have it hidden behind Tarn-Ich. Behind a covering those that is, which all believe to know. But in reality it is a deceit picture. I know that, but nobody otherwise. That has something calming down. It does not come me anything too near and I protects itself above all.Sometimes I wish would nevertheless see myself it me someone thereby I the stones get loosely or her no longer so with difficulty to weigh. Perhaps Tarn-Ich is better sometimes to live than the normal I.But one naturally thus cannot know that. I would have to approximate… carefully the camouflage covering air. That should be able to be furnished. The problem is not only, I can anybody in-lets to something, which I do not know.
I cannot see myself also, can say not even surely whether behind Tarn-Ich at all some more stand. No completely clearly, there stands somewhat, but it is empty. It is right at the bottom and I it never really filled. My real I is an emptiness, which mourning all this up-swallowed, my grief hangs… my true „I “over the Kloschüssel and the soul from the body kotzt itself over to show that it is still there and it is crushed. Crushed of the society-suited covering which one can do heart-own. Those immaculately is understandable and for everyone.
I believe I am both part of the covering and part underlying something.
But the covering is rather strong. Sometimes if I consider which me everything during the day happened place I firmly the fact that I so blunted then abgebrüht is that the things really do not affect me any longer. I find somewhat sad, or badly or I am not not well with the thought however it express myself. I have no more feelings thereby - not really. I cannot remember in the last 2 years once to have cried from a feeling which I had. Simply not there that is. In me are an enormous dammed up lake with mixed feelings and the dam keep felsenfest. Which happened if it breaks, I do not know. So long it does not hold can I work and… well, the remainder makes I eh. I do not leave, I come no longer to it into the cinema to go. I do actually eh nothing more except work, eat and sleep and me to present only if it is urgently necessary.
Which in me is so empty, that is neutrally. Neutrally opposite everything. Therefore it is not filled out an anything, not understandably for me.
No day is what it is real. If I write here, then I am camouflaged. Naturally everything has always two sides, but the one is overful, the other one is empty. Can be??
And if, where I find me? Where am I real if not in me?You cannot find anywhere a at home, if you did not find it in you.

Road of full idiots…

Today again times such one day at that is the roads is populated from louder… COMPLETE IDIOT. No other word meets it probably as that. Naturally move I always greyful on if it flash themselves and do not stop or if it - bend less in largest morning traffic with step speed or into a road. Then they know in the country like “intelligent traffic lights” after traffic arrange themselves such a thing and on green and/or after a certain time stop on red go automatically. With 2 such slow curve Abbiegern and a small back pressure where anything does not continue because it with its bending radius a truck impress could, switch the traffic light stop to red… eh clear. Ungrateful people has green and stops, then they want it also so…
Naturally I had to remain standing due to its equal with the next business. My good resolutions were: I buy fruit. Well, an apple… still went into order however then is to me nevertheless the Pluderteigteil with the fruit above drauf (nevertheless is there also still which thereby) and the leckere chocolate, the yogurt… oh more however. 14 euro are draufgegangen. Why do I have to only constantly eat? Stress is not death… thereby has I, I Mach it me still.
My Therapeutin meant, I was to learn stress and load bear without immediately auszuflippen… because I strictly speaking the situations quite well master.
Evenly my boss came to me. Two world-shaking messages, times apart from the fact that we lost 2 team leaders, now a boss goes in the next higher level and my boss has a Hüftoperation for which I weeks in the calendar to clear away is. The problem is only the fact that I mean second stationary stay on the autumn take into account and since also its OI is. You will think you: Which cares one which in October is now. That may already be, but it is fundamental so that we until Decembers completely is written off. And I mean COMPLETE. That is not merry any longer. All day dates, preparation planning next year… everything which in the books shows itself. And the bad is, I must it for me keep.
My first sentence always is: A concern, we everything… however secretly already sträuben itself my neck hair does not regulate and the showers runs me over the backs if I to the autumn thinks.

Second day

To failure dooms. What otherwise with the heat? Now well, one can out-talk oneself on many things. Fact is that I did not create it yesterday to keep which I to keep wanted.I nothing noted, I no sport made and for my bad habit I remained also faithful. I did not over only want to reduce the breakfast somewhat right into the misfortune to fall, but by the back-up and the vertrödelten hour am course-turned I with the baker and between stop and Go traffic a Croissant, a nut bar and a Limo pressed.That cannot be nevertheless so with difficulty, condemned. And at all me that already versaut the mood totally. I mean, 1 hour for a distance which one normally in 20 minutes drive. Times completely apart that the mood was anyway already bad because I 2 struck hours (from 6 to 8 o'clock) mine bells always 5 minutes pausiert. Schlaucht. In the short time in which one falls then into the deep sleep, dreams one loud muck.
Well well, new day new attempt.

Start

Everything has a beginning… so also my recordings and completely particularly my Ess diary. Structure, structure, structure. Thus where catch I on? I do so with difficulty consistently somewhat to keep. Completely particularly if it concerns the meal. I have yourself a beautiful collecting main made and so long to it around tinkered to I with the thought to make friends itself could again regularly the data in-pull-put. Present conditions of the tablets are with 200. Digesting does not function any longer.Marvelously. Like said, new start and new fight.