on and off

… jessas. Already again a half week over. Not that it would not make me happy.

It seems to me strongly that the summer on vacation is. I sit here in half winter things and freeze and at all can I times again in addition do not aufraffen myself to something. I am of each little thing gene FFS. From coworkers actually ask only one question too much, from everything. It nervt me everything.

I may talk particularly with nobody more. I have the feeling me entgleitet everything. Contact to the friends anyway. My friends cannot begin anything with me. I call it to if I actually the feeling would also not have needed to lean simply only someone to. That does not use anything, because they do not understand me and actually also it does not want to hear it (does not want also that me someone only always the ears full-sung). Times apart from the fact, it is for it actually only one load. Legend I so, I do not only know also completely reliably.
And then remain rather calm I and say to nobody somewhat, I run the risk as Heulsuse in the area around to run.

I do not seem myself a little like a soulless monster feelings to show can. I seat there and my face has always the same expression. To sleep I cannot also more correctly. If one is independently addressed by 4 persons whether one is übernächtig or so approximately: You look also out, as if you went through the night…
… and although I have actually the feeling it am like always… then am correct also which nothing.

Thus keep-drawn or otherwise which am I also not degrees, but I feel stop a little so.

Have evenly over Internet a small Shopping route made around me a little aufzuheitern. That does not use only unfortunately particularly much for the moment. That is, it is probably more interesting the goods somehow only times in the hand to have before I about it be pleased can.

Mostly say I that my tendency does not even depend on the weather… however in the case believes I that more really because I introduce itself cannot which the sun in it to change is.
Oh, and the tax office expensive answer I also got. An additional payment… which stink sour me made because my tax counsel me actually a credit note calculated. There rise I times a round to the barricades. With the calculations in my opinion eh half is not correct to accuse of (without directly someone). But I think nevertheless that these numbers are small little thumb * pi because otherwise would have nevertheless like that something like a comprehensibleness thereby to be.

However. Is actually wurscht for the moment also me. Everything which I still can is me excite. Over traffic, colleagues those constantly jammern how much it to do have however their target work time not times to keep, which whole small stories those run.

Put down and fall asleep and any longer do not rise. A bear would have one to be… with cold weather wär nearly once again the winter sleep announced….

… well, enclosed still another photo of the rainbow like it a half grants the day before yesterday in the sky to see long was. if one drauf clicks becomes the picture bissi more largely. that was really a play because it so wonderful and intensive colors had. that in such a way I for a long time any longer did not experience. so seen that is actually always a good indication. a rainbow.

“blue Monday”

my car is today in the workshop and I after a date with the insurance now mine usual place on that couch took. it is to be done simply to hot something.

I have yourself so to that to nothing-do accustomed that I today no bad certain had because I again one day freely has. normally think I then always… it wär stop nevertheless better I go yourself to the work. but I hate also these dämlichen sentences: “what?? you have already again freely? say times like much vacation have you actually?”
since to history in the winter races I always almost out if I hear. I would shout at then dearest the person and would say it: “concerns you which? I have the vacation, I nehm the vacation.”
alone already ask points on it how: “are again times so putrid. that can carry out for you. others have not as much rate of sick persons as you and saving itself through it the vacation up.” ,… and times apart from the fact. “so long rate of sick persons had and nevertheless nothing helped. actually is pure luxury.”

is like that?

I so gladly away. I so gladly freely. me an uncanny homesickness pulls to another place and hangs the latter already meets like a veil over everything which I does. it is like one covers all this suffocated and heavily on everything lies. it does not make everything a little grey and somehow is it nevertheless.

would I have to remove or see perhaps only the eyeglasses clear? why doesn't it fall others so easily a same situation and everything completely differently to assume to pull somewhat positive from it and I seh that simply? it is like this 3d of pictures which one anstarren can and somewhat completely different one in it recognizes at one time.
and which I, understand mostly also nobody note here correctly. I white not which I to make is. I white not with whom I to talk is, where I am to go.

thank God is today sowas like my officially authorized blue Monday. there I do not have to think more drüber. I go simply sleeping….

struck down

weight: 66.1 kg (in the morning)

ate I enormous amounts yesterday. I do not know also, an overdose tablets I also got and first time that I remember can, have I the possibility ausgeschalgen to vienna to drive. that is completely atypical for me.
but on the other side I feel not well. only within my curtain (mosquito protective net of ikea) eingemummt in my summer-covers and if it must be which to read.
I am so shy become that I shopping even reluctantly go. I had me today aufraffen in great haste still into a pharmacy to drive before the weekend come. I believe without the tablets in the house, make I no more day. dearest I would lie down and more would never rise. it is so empty.
however I could cry. that is really first time. were only few water as a well-known called and with me talked, but I was to be said briefly before it it: I am so alone. I am so lonely.
nobody can see it because one in a so full world with so many possibilities lives nevertheless. but everything which I wants is again home to come. home, where I can be and home where I knows I am safe. that is not this house, not even this Land of the Federal Republic. there is not the people those is here.

I feel bad and only which me to it help that I feel better is my searches. it is simply reassuring. I can sleep at night calmly and it give me a certain regularity.

actually I wanted to write as I here improve thereby document I here straight again times a substantial descended. it is Saturday noon and I now sleeping will go. the door to my room is course-closed thereby nobody on the idea to come can with me to talk want.

I hate it. everything around me to be strong but at most me because I am too weak.

beautiful day

I am gladly that I in this week one night elsewhere was. we had a discussion with the team in Germany and in the evening before it still one workshop. thus we had a hotel room taken for these one night.
that was completely interesting, because it reminded me of February. there we were long one week for a team stabilization thing except house. I am simply soooo well there been to it. this week except house, with other people encouraged me terribly.
and it seems to me, as if would come always exactly to the correct time. perfectly getimt if one so wants. in February I - if we one week would not have away been at that time - would be to be gone probably so far been again into a hospital. rather surely even and it would be me also nearly already all the same been if it in the country would have been here (which I tried to otherwise always avoid).
in the week me became however so much clear and I participate yourself somehow so probably felt a team to be. that has me motivated in such a way and so developed that I of the feeling still for a very long time lived.
now was it again like that. not completely so badly, but stop also these low phases. now imagine I that I super am. I have actually a mad job and really fantastische people around me. that pleases me much. and it makes happy me also, if I can contribute white I one part to give these motiviation which I have also to my team further. that I make a meaningful contribution in the team at all. unfortunate is stop that we meet so rarely as an entire team.

now, am I in any case well. tendency-moderately. my work developed me thus quite and feels I good.

health - now, am I also well. I believe it oscillate myself. should I worry myself to make because of to hurt which I yesterday had? I believe slowly however reliably become the problem a small little more largely. yesterday in the night I had quite strong to hurt on the top right in the belly. correctly stinging and I did not know no more which I to make should. above all each contact did to pain on my belly terribly. I a tablet took and a hot-water bottle on the belly put and somehow has warms well done and the tablet the effect shown and I fell asleep. today is it away. but I did not have that ever… and that am a little amusing. fear made for me, but on the other side… today is it away. therefore I am content.

and I estimate times, if it had been really worse, then would be I surely not again to rest come, or?

my positive tendency contributes to the fact that I began mine esstagebuch again to lead and me to all my good resolutions which I learned times remind. the structure evenly…: O)

I become that now pull through.
are degree gladly that I again which beautiful, positive write can. but mine was actually meant blog.

as then, I wish you everything a beautiful Sunday!

propelless and empty

yesterday:
I am tired and not at all hungry or thirstily. I was not yesterday all day long thirsty. Only in the evening as it when eating these *klick* made, there have I some drunk thereby it for me thereafter more easily fell it again to loose-will.I am rather unpowered. I can really force myself nothing. Everything is me equal to too much. This evening we (teammates) meet us to the Tapas days in our favourite restaurant and participate stop everything there. Somehow already also beautifully, but on the other side have I no desire. I now at one time think, I must again adjust itself because it otherwise do not go myself and then there perhaps also people are thereby which I gladly do not have. Thus such with which I genuinly a problem has. I am otherwise rather a peaceful person and strive a good climate around me to create. Goes sometimes at my expense however now. And there are few persons those the elbow spanned. One of it began surprisingly in my company in the Jänner. Thereupon I had a Nervenzusammenbruch. Meanwhile have I it in the grasp however it falls me heavily with the person to deal.Yesterday and the day before yesterday have I drauf been pleased today away to go oneself, hardly that the day is there makes it me headaches. Then it appears me as load with the people to talk. Yesterday I was around half 7 in bed and today to half 8 slept.
Will already strike.

1995

I found that recently in my diary. That is already more than 10 years ago, and at that time I was already so far. That was it, the isolation. No friends, nobody which with me to do wanted to have, and my family was also not better. Well, 10 years are by and I can from the things separate. Only today still occur exactly these situations, hidden in other little things. Particularly hard it meets me however that it goes with friends again and again directly. Again and again….
Spring 1995
Letter from me… I does not know whom

Why do we actually eat? In order to nourish us, clearly. I do not want to eat no more, but I cannot do it. I want again 50 kg. But I have 54. Ever someone said spontaneously to me: “You are beautifully slim” or “mad figure have you.” No one does not say such a thing. Actually I am very sad over it. Why does one say however to mummy? Mummy pressurizes me. If I am deprimiert, I must eat. If I want to have something sweet, then ask I. Utterances like e.g.: “Must you now have that? I ate nothing since noon! ”, which can save it. But it does not notice. None notices something. Why does Mach I the trouble and torment itself, if somewhat is not noticeable to a sow? There is also hardly a person, who understands me. I want to be liked, that am the wood path. I must learn again hold out, because I do not think myself capable of. Oh I drown directly in self compassion.

But you do not know like it are, if one hangs over the Kloschüssel and itself before-said: “If you it pull feel good you through now for it, because you know you are closer a piece to the dream figure.” But nothing more is useful. Are hunger cures better? I feel so bad. Dearest I would be ill.
1. One can decrease so better
2. would be dear all to me.
Actually I am already a blöde cow, but there is nobody, which has not also such phases.

I have fear. You see also these thousand articles in the newspaper (Slim nearly, Body fit, Slender you). I have fear to be accepted not in such a way as I are. So long I with me do not clear-come, how are then the others? I would have gladly a part of me, on which I can be proud. To play I did not know cello clearly. And must admit it to it not very much constructing, if all make themselves merry over your picture. Yes, such a thing I take seriously. What can I do thus? I cannot listen well, but I am always a nerve saw. If I read later, then I think: “Which is for shit.” But in the reason it is correct nevertheless. Nobody can say: “Thanks you has me helped.” because no sow has a very high opinion of me. Why do I always give all something, if I not even to my birthday which get? What am I? A changing gift chest. I hardly believe that somebody appreciates. I cannot stop however thereby. I do not want to acquire the friendship. I hope, I make for others a joy thereby. Perhaps but only I see in such a way. No, exactly that is a part at me which I hates. I deceive myself. I cannot admit that the other sometimes mad egoists are. Which Mach I the trouble a “letter” to be written over my problems, if I play down it anyway in such a way. Sometimes me all kotzen on. If one sees only one foot stripper in me, then they are to regard their own faces exactly, because they are the dirt at me stick and I are not nervt the ass that them. It turned around. Who does not like me, its dirty finger of me is to leave. Such people do not run I then also after. I am nevertheless no dog.

I can still remember that I showed the letter of my aunt. I could give it otherwise to nobody and I howled like a lock dog. Perhaps hätt I more on me to work are since eit at that time. Become simply a little stronger. Self compassion is somewhat terrible…. verabscheungswürdiges. Above all if one considers like well it us actually goes…

hilfeeee….

so, new highest level… 400 pieces at one blow and I did not have to really often hurt times on the toilet… none, nothing. that is sea-honours bad indication. for the moment kotze I 3 time on the day the soul from the body… whereby I actually times so often does not eat itself. and in the office I also began. do not eat keeps real anyway any longer.
if it weiterght in such a way, then that is genuine my fall.

exactly one year ago I am gone to my therapy and now am same far I as at that time. actually still more badly than at that time. my teammates notice it also…

have recently a book over chakren bought. that is not so uninteresting actually at all. what does one actually believe if one in nothing more believes? I seek something in which I to believe can. loves? friendship? I do not believe any longer really in it.

hey, but which target. today one believes in money. that is the true.
could I mean finite calculations to pay. since I changed the bank half of my standing orders was not taken over and I get number-seem everything of my insurance in the house. which is rather annoying, above all because I do not come on the bank. even of visas I a calculation got. with the change of the map probably somewhere still another amount of 11 euro was open. they have to pay me offered the amount in partial amounts.

I do not want to worry about the all no more.

I feel so alone. unfortunate that the man whom I know learned, no longer announced itself… however if one considers which for a terrible sight and heap I be must… wär eh directly again versprungen.

…. well, and one remains in such a way again times alone.